Memories of Alexis

Tonight I found a blog about a little baby girl who drowned in her pool at age two. Her fourth birthday was on the 10th.. what a sweet but sad story. It brought me back to when Alexis, our neighbors daughter who drowned in her pool when she was only a year old. I remember that day like it was yesterday & its a day I will never forget. I remember her laughter, her brown curly hair, her bright beautiful eyes & smile that could light up a room & I see a lot of Alexis in my daughter even thought there is no blood relation. I was in Fifth grade when Alexis passed & it wasn't the first person to pass in my life but it was one of the saddest & hardest to except for me.
I was home sick that day or I guess you could say playing hooky.. I remember thinking about going over to Alexis' house to play with her but hesitant because I didn't want my parents to know I wasn't really sick, so I stayed home instead. I remember I was watching General Hospital (I know I was way to young to watch that show but my babysitter had me hooked) & there was a breaking news story.. that is when my sisters where on there bawling their eyes out screaming & down on there knees.. I instantly started crying because I was so afraid & I hurt & my heart froze. Then the news broke that an infant was found in her pool by her father & they were unable to revive her. They said that her dad (who worked nights while the mom worked days) had taken a nap while Alexis was asleep & while he was asleep she climbed out of her crib unlocked the patio door & fell in the pool. They said that from the weight of her diaper & her inability to swim is what lead to her drowning. I remember them saying it was around noon or so & it crushed me because that was right around the time I was debating to go over there. I remember my mom getting home & the tears in her eyes & I knew she felt the pain that any mother would feel. When my sister Nicole came home I remember her not wanting to talk & just hiding in her room crying.. I remember our house was a sad quite house for days maybe even weeks after this. For years I have beaten my self up.. asking why "Why didn't I just go over there if only I would have she would still be with us". Now as I write this my heart hurts & I feel the sadness that I have never dealt with or talked about sit in & my heart breaks. Michelle (her mother) I don't think ever moved past it but her dad continued living in the home.. but Michelle moved away. I remember my sisters where allow to attend the funeral but I was not. My mom thought that I was just too young.. which at the time made me angry but now I understand. I remember my sisters taking me to her grave sight later & showing me her beautiful butterfly gravestone (which was perfect & is why I have loved butterflies ever since) & I remember my life forever being changed from the moment on. I remember as a kid when I was having a bad day or just needing to escape (which I did a lot) riding my bike to the cemetery (which was down the street from our house) & sitting there talking to her or just sitting there. I never told anyone about doing that.. I thought they might think I was silly but I remember going there once & seeing Michelle there all alone crying.. & my heart just ached. Now as a mom I think because of Alexis I am so protective.. so afraid of leaving Shiloh or putting my trust in anyone watching over her because of this.. I am so afraid of ever having to experience a loss of a child & because of that I am the over protective over barring mom but I am OK with that because it means she is safe.. I don't think my heart could handle loosing her. Most don't know of Alexis.. I have only told a few people because I can't seem to make it through telling the story without crying or having anxiety but I miss her & think of her often. I have always said even before I was a mom that I would NEVER have a pool.. No Exceptions ..not even when my children know how to swim.. & I am still staying strong to that & I know I always will. I haven't been to her grave sight in many many years but I have driven by the house.. & every time.. I get choked up & I wonder what would be if she was still with us today.

In My Daughters Eyes

 
In My Daughters Eyes


In my daughter’s eyes, I am a hero,
I am strong and wise,
And I know no fear.
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me,
I see who I wanna be, in my daughters eyes.


In my daughter’s eyes, everyone is equal,
Darkness turns to light,
And the world is at peace,
This miracle God gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe, in my daughter’s eyes.

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart.
Everything becomes a little clearer.
I realize what life is all about.
It’s hangin’ on when your heart has had enough;
It’s giving more when you feel like giving up,
I’ve seen the light/ it’s in my daughter’s eyes.


In my daughter’s eyes, I can see the future.
A reflection of who I am, and what will be.
And though she’ll grow and, some day leave
Maybe raise a family,
When I’m gone, I hope you’ll see,
How happy she made me,
For I’ll be there, in my daughter’s eyes.

Author: Martina Mcbride song

  

{I love this song & it is so true to how I feel for Shiloh she is my world}

Positive Attitude

So my last posting was me in rare form. I am usually open minded, positive, happy & can handle most things that are thrown my way good or bad.

Last night for some reason I let money of all things get to me & bring me to a place that I rarely visit. But today I woke up thinking positive happy thoughts. I told myself that this is just a bump in the road & if anyone can get over it, it would be us. We are a strong family who has had many bumps in the road but we always get over it & move forward. So I just needed a good nights rest to assure myself that we will be OK.

I have applied for a lot of positions since last night.. but when I sit down & look at the income I would make & then what daycare cost & gas.. it is kind of a wash.. unless I make more then what most would pay.. so we will see. I applied at the bank, I have always wanted a bank job. There is just something about working in a bank that sounds so interesting. I also applied at the hospital.. I have no experience in the medical field so I am not even sure I qualify.. but will see.. that would be nice too so I can gain experience. I also applied at many other openings in the area so now its just a waiting game. So will see if I recieve any call backs & if the pay is what I am need to make it worth while.

So I wanted to let everyone know I am in much better spirts this afternoon.. thinking happy thoughts & appreciating all that I have.. because our situation is nothing compared to others so I need to remind myself of that.

{Plus with this sweet face to look at each day how could I possibly be down}

Hope everyone is having a blessed day!

When it rains.. it pours

So we have been anticipating our taxes.. & Stephen's bonus, waiting patiently & hoping it was a good year. This past year was another big financial year that has left us stressed & over budget. But I have kept a cool because I was sure we would have a nice check in the mail come tax time. Well unfortunately that is not the case. We actual owe taxes.. yep you heard me right we are owing money.. & its not just a few hundred dollars or even a couple thousand its way more & I haven't a clue as to how we are going to pay it. So now I am stressed out, depressed & in search a full time position. I love the part time babysitting job that I have & the family that I work for.. but I have to return to the corporate world so that we can get out of this financial state that we are in. We haven't received Stephen's bonus nor do we know how much it will be or when we will receive it but I am praying that it is more then I am thinking it will be.
I am sad that this has happened. I am just wondering when we will start receiving good news & all the bad will disappear. I mean isn't it time for some good to happen?? This last year we have already had the bad news dumped on us.. so why again in 2010. I was just starting to except my medical conditions, I was just starting to except that I may not be able to get pregnant,  I was just starting to except that even if I can get pregnant I may not be able to carry a baby full term. So my question is when? When can we have some good news.. when can the financial strain be released from us.. when will I stop feeling like I am drowning?
I thank the man above for all the good he has brought on to me. All the miracles & blessings & good in my life.. but right now I feel like I am in need of some good & that we are deserving of it. My husband works his butt off.. we hardly see him & when he is home he is exhausted or drained from the day. I try to help & thought that watching B Boy would help us a little more but now I am learning we need more. I always wanted to be the stay at home mom who is able to participate in my children's lives & attend all activities & be there for all the special moments.. & now that I have to return to work I am so afraid of missing out.. & loosing the bond that Shiloh & I have together. This news just came at the wrong time.. & now I sit here awake applying for job after job crossing my fingers that something will be in my favor & that it pays well enough to benefit us. I am hoping that soon there will be light at the end of this dark tunnel & we can enjoy life again.. I just pray.

Some may think this post is too personal to share.. others may not.. but me I just need to get it out & maybe get some advice on other ways to bring income in without having to put my daughter in daycare.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It was Not Me who on Thursday had Wendy's & then on Friday have it again. I would never allow my child nor I to eat fast food two days in a row & if I did I would never go to the same one & order the exact same meal both times.

I went to Toys R Us on Friday to buy some door locks & sippy cups for Shiloh. So it was Not Me who took her down the doll isle & found the creepiest doll to buy for her because she loved it & the creepy noises it makes. I would never think a doll that babbles is cute & I especially would not buy her a new toy if she was having a terrible two's day either!

On Sunday we were all excited to attend our new church in our new town. We would normally attend the early mass but decided to go to the later one. I had checked the time online so it was Not Me who read it wrong & had my Stephen & Shiloh arrive at Church to find that it did not start for another hour. It was Not Me who then said lets go drive around for an hour & return only to drive around to have Shiloh fall asleep & then decide that church this week would be us driving around looking at houses instead so Shiloh could sleep.  I would never do such a thing nope Not Me.

Five Things Friday

1Took Stephen to work at 6:45 am because my Edge is in the shop.. & I am realizing I am still not a morning person & think I will never be one.

2Play date at the mall's play ground with B Boy. Shiloh loved all the kids after a few minutes of warming up but then decided she didn't want to leave & had a tantrum in front of everyone.. gotta love toddlers!

3Lunch at Wendy's again. (second day in a row) NO MORE fast food for a while I think I am gaining all me weight back that I just lost & that is no bueno!

4Had a nice nap with Shiloh.. since we started our day early today but now I feel lazy ugh.

5Now heading to Target & Toys R US before picking up Stephen to get my car, check out the Flex & the Edge Sport (just for fun & but showing excitment to my husband may convince him on buying a new one LOL yeah right) & go out to dinner some where yummy since we have a TON of options where we live now :-)

Fun Times. Hope Everyone has had or is having a wonderful Friday :-) Oh & Shiloh absolutely LOVES her new tutu.. that I of course left in the Edge yesterday :-( But she wants to wear it all the time.. so cute!!

 

 

 

 {Ta Ta For Now}

Getting So Big

My baby is growing up. The past few days I have noticed how independent & how smart Shiloh is becoming. She now knows where the pantry is so when I ask her if she wants a snack she runs to the pantry, when I ask her if she is sleepy & if she wants a nap she will say nap or seepy, tonight I asked her to get me her juice cup so I could give her some juice for dinner & she brought me her juice & at dinner tonight she was so determind to use her fork with dinner.. & it was so cute watching her get her corn on her fork... baby forks are so dull so she would pick them up & put it on the fork then in her mouth.. my baby is getting So Big so fast :-(

..showing mama where the food is at..

..This was snack time today..

..This is her poor toe that a picture frame dropped on when we were moving this past weekend..

..so sad..

Valentines Day Tutu

So I found this site on how to make a tutu.. Make Them Yourself ..& I love the finished product. I love tutu's & I love being crafty so I thought I should make one for Shiloh for Valentines Day. It is so cute!! Here are the pictures of the finished product.

Quick Post

So I wanted to let everyone know we are all moved in & the old place is sparkling clean YAY!! I love our new home & all the space. Plus its nice to live in a town that has so much to do. I also am super excited to check out the antique stores that they have in our cute little town.. looks like they have some great stuff. On Saturday we had breakfast at a really cute cafe that was amazing & super busy so you know its a local favorite. Yesterday we visited the Old Canery & can't wait to go back there on the 19th to buy some furniture. I just feel like we are home now.. before I was miserable.. we lived in a space that just didn't work for us. It took Stephen an hour to get to & form work so we never saw one another.. dinner was always after 7PM & there was not a whole lot to do there. So I feel so happy to be in a town that offers so much & I just did a google search for Ben Franklin & found that there is one only 12 min away YAY.. call me silly but I love my craft stores. So life is good. Shiloh loves her new house too.. she loves to run & scream.. its so awesome!

Well this is it for now.. LOST just started & I can't miss it.. its one of the only shows I watch religiously .. well when its on that is LOL

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Moving week has been one hectic week I tell ya.. I mean packing is hard especially with a toddler who loves to help mommy. As cute as it sounds that my baby girl wanted to help me.. it was Not Me who at one point was so frustrated with her packing things in the boxes.. like my cell phone, house phone, camera & remote that I actually wanted to cry because I had to tear them back open to retrieve these items & repack them & tape them.. no Not Me I have way more patients then that.

So one of my New Years Resolutions was to stop drinking soda.. well it certainly was Not Me who this week has had Dr. Pepper, Coke & Cherry Pepsi more times then I can count on one hand.. no way I would not be that powerless or fill my head with excuses as to why it was OK.. I mean moving doesn't mean rules get to be broken does it.. it is Not Me that is still pondering the answer to that.

So I like to think I am pretty fashionable.. I mean I have a fashion sense.. at least I am pretty sure I do.. anyways it was Not Me who left my house today in an outfit that I am sure the fashion police would ticketed me for.. I mean I would never wear 3 different types of black, Black capri yoga pants with my Black generic UGGs with my Black zip up hoodie.. no way I would never do something that hideous! LOL

So I am a girly girl.. I love all things girly.. I may not be one to wear a lot of dresses but I love perfume, hair products, make-up, lotions, facial cleaner, make-up brushes.. yada yada yada... but I would never have so much of this stuff that my entire vanity is filled with it to the point that it is bursting at the seems. I mean it is Not Me that could run a salon out of my house with all the product I have.. I would never look at it & actually think that just maybe I have a problem.. To be a cosmetic horder or not to be.. or maybe I am a just a pack rat.. hmmm.. the things that keep my mind going.

Well that is my Not Me Monday.. I hope you enjoy.. I am still unpacking & getting settled so it is Not Me who still can't be on here to post daily until my house is put together because it is Not Me who's OCD is getting the best of her.